How Are You Doing?

Its been a long time since my last post and I've had some people ask me how I'm doing so I thought I'd give an honest update. My initial response to the how are you doing question is "great, everything is going well." Which for the most part is pretty true. I am very happy with where I am in my life right now and have so many great positive things going for me. I thank God every single day for all of the wonderful things I have going in my life right now. However I think saying "great, everything is going well" is not honest and does not always give people an accurate look to what its like to go through cancer. So Im going to revert back to that "honesty is key" saying for this post.

In trying to stay honest this post is going to give a look at how I am doing internally and where my head is at these days. I am still in remission, thank you baby Jesus, and I am extremely grateful for that. There is not a greater gift I could have asked for this holiday season than to go through it without doctors appointments, or scans, or counting down the days to some form of treatment that was coming up in January aka how I have spent the last two Christmases. My heart breaks everyday for my friends (and everyone) who do not have that luxury right now. I wish with all my might I could take the evil cancer away from them. When I started this cancer journey I was not close to anyone who had cancer. I did not know what it was like to be on the supportive side of the game, I was just learning how to be the fighter. Now I know and it sucks. It is a very hopeless feeling to watch your friends physically and emotionally suffer and not be able to do anything. However I also know after being on the fighting side that just hearing you are there for them and that you are supporting them means the world. I am not always great at remembering this myself and hope with this year I get better at sending out words of support to friends I know going through tough times but it really does mean a lot just to hear "Im thinking about you."

I am so thankful for remission but to be honest my struggle with cancer is nowhere near done. I battle everyday with thinking about cancer, my experiences and where my head should be at. I basically wake up everyday scared shitless of cancer (sorry for the profanity, I was going to say scared poopless but that just sounded worse haha). Anywho, that is my truth. It is something I battle everyday. I try not to. I try to put it out of my head but its there and its way worse than before I had cancer or when I was battling cancer. Its terrifying. Thankfully I know this is not just me and a lot of other people who have battled cancer feel the same way.

Everyday I have a different response to this terror. Some days I'm angry and I want to do everything I can to kick cancer's butt so no one else has to suffer. I want to fundraise and get the word out so everyone will help to just make it go away. Other days I do not want to hear, see, or think the word cancer. I cringe at every post and article I see that mentions the word cancer. I dont want to think about it. I basically want to forget it even exists. There are some days when I am lucky and I am able to find a good balance between these two extreme feelings. However it is not easy and I think its going to take me a long time to be able to do that on a daily basis.

Even though these are my internal feelings I do try very hard every day to stay positive and see the good in the bad things that come. These feelings are hard to deal with and can easily suck you into the dark side. I think with this and basically anything in life its important to know your feelings, be honest about them, accept them, and work through them. Its not easy to do but its the only way to keep moving and not dwell on what you can not change. Because unfortunately there is soooo much we can not change. And even though cancer does absolutely suck and its extremely hard to deal with there are so many good things in this world and so many things to be thankful for. There are also wonderful things that come from the bad. I have met so many amazing and inspiring people I never would have met without this battle. I also have learned so much more about myself and the life I want to lead that I did not know before. I do not wish I was the person I was before all of this. I like who I am and who this struggle has made me. I pray everyday that I do not have to have any more battles with cancer but I am happy with where I am right now even though it took a fight with cancer to get me here. For me remembering and focusing on these positive things is what helps get me through.

So that is my honesty and how I am doing. I fill each day with thankfulness for my life and my many blessings but also with prayers to remain mentally and physically strong and that cancer stays far far away. With that I am very excited for the start of a new year and am looking forward to all the wonderful things it will bring with it. As always thank you so much for your continued love and support. I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season and has an amazing start to the new year!!