Time Flies When You Dont Have Chemo

It has been two crazy, fun, great months of no chemo! I am sorry I have not written since the end of July. I kept meaning to and writing notes down but when it came down to it I obviously never sat down and wrote.

In my last post I detailed my 11th and 12th chemo sessions, which will hopefully be my last ones ever. The weeks that followed my 12th treatment were filled with pet scans and doctor visits. My stand in oncologist, Dr. Perkins (very nice), reviewed my pet scan and thought it looked pretty good. Some spots did show but he said he and the radiologists thought they were scars from chemo and that they should eventually go away and/or that the spots are brown fat (apparently young people have brown fat, the fat that surrounds our organs or something, who knew?). Of course they did not give me the complete clear because they need to protect themselves in case one of the spots does end up being something but he basically said I was good to go. I was very excited to hear this but also still a little nervous and disbelieving. What if he's wrong? What if something is still there? I dont want to go through this again. I just tried to push those thoughts away and enjoy my time with no more treatment. I can not say I am cancer free yet, usually you need to wait 5 years for that, but I am saying that I am in remission.

Over the past two months my life has slowly gotten back to normal. It is taking me a long time to build back up my muscles and have the energy I used to but everyday I am getting stronger. It is important to remember after going through something like this that even though you may feel better your body still needs time to recover. This was something that was very hard for me to grasp. I tried to jump right back into the way things used to be but after a week I was like nope, this isnt going to work ha. I have to remind myself I still need a lot of sleep and my body is not ready for an hour long spinning or aerobics class quite yet. Right now I need to take baby steps and I struggle with this everyday. I am definitely looking forward to when I can wake up at 6am again bright eyed and ready for a long run.

In September I met with my oncologist Dr. Wiedl, she is back from maternity leave, and she went over the pet scan as well. She wants me to get another one just to be safe and make sure that the spots we saw in August are still nothing. So I will have my next pet scan tomorrow. Dr. Wiedl said if it comes back clear we will then schedule a time to remove my port. Now that will be exciting!! I have had this thing in me for 10 months, it will be weird not to feel it there or see it in pictures. But I can handle that weirdness :) . So hopefully the pet scan will come back clear. Getting these pet scans is very nerve racking. If it comes back clear then I will start having a scan every three months for the next couple of years to keep an eye on things. If a relapse is going to happen it will most likely occur in the next two years. Hopefully I will not have to experience that.

I am coming up on the date that I found the bump last year and just the thought of the day makes me very emotional and anxious. No, I dont think it will happen again but just the thought of reliving that day makes me cringe. Needless to say I will be keeping that day busy with fun things to try and keep my mind off of it. My nephew is also due that weekend so that will be a very nice and happy memory to replace this crappy one. Its just so weird to think about everything that has happened in just one year. On the outside I would seem pretty much the same. I have the same job, drive the same car, and I pretty much look the same, with shorter hair, but on the inside I am a much different person. I look at the world differently, my priorities are different, and my goals and wants are different. So much can change you in just one year.

I will never be happy this happened to me but like every bad situation it is important to see the positive and not dwell on the negative. This experience has shown me how extremely lucky I am to have the family I do. It has shown me how lucky I am to have the life I have, how lucky I am to have the support I have from friends and how lucky I am this experience has made me even closer with some of them. It has shown me how lucky I was that my cancer only consisted of minor surgeries and 8 months of chemo versus so many other much worse things and of course versus death. I am a very lucky person and I think of that everyday. The stories I have heard and the people I have met through this will be with me forever. Sometimes I do wonder why am I lucky and getting through this when the person next to me in treatment had an incurable disease and was just trying to buy some extra time or when I hear of other people my age or younger who pass away from cancer. It makes me have so many "why" questions. However, as we all know, these questions can never be answered so I just try to remember to not let their battles go in vain. To appreciate every little thing about life and not take it for granted.

To not end on a completely sappy note I thought I'd share this clip that always made me smile whenever I felt down about my hair. As everyone knows who has read my blog posts losing my hair was very hard for me and still is. I am rocking the pixie cut as best as I can and I am eternally grateful I can actually pull it off but it still is not me and I miss my longer hair very much. So anywho when I was told I have cancer I tried to stay pretty strong about it. I pretty much knew it was coming so I just took it and said okay whats next. My parents and I went out to dinner after the diagnosis and I was fine, it is what it is, but on the car ride home my mom asked if I was okay and that its okay to be upset (knowing I try to hide my emotions a lot) and thats when we both just started crying. And all I could say was how I didnt want to loose my hair. But then I started laughing cause it reminded me so much of one of my mom and I's favorite movies, Little Women. Jo, one of the little women, cut and sold her hair to get money so her mom could visit her father who was in the hospital after being severely injured in war. There is a scene in the movie that takes place the night after she cut her hair. She is crying and her younger sister, Beth, comes up to her and asks if she's sad about her father and Jo says "no, my hair" and then they both start laughing. I thought of that scene every time I got sad about my hair and still do. It helped me smile and remember what is having short hair when your father's in the hospital? or you have cancer? or other people are suffering much worse? So please enjoy this scene from Little Women :) Start at :54  CLICK HERE!

Thanks for reading my posts and dealing with my untimely writing ha. I will write again when I get the results from my pet scan and will also include all of the random cancer thoughts I have been keeping track of to share. Thank you again for your continued support, thoughts, and prayers through all of this!!