Chemo 11 and 12!

Oookay, another long delay in posts, sorry!! Im starting to work on a blog thats non cancer related to have after all of this is done but Im thinking maybe Im not made for the blog world haha unless its a monthly blog. Maybe one day I'll get better at this, we'll see. Anywho here is my catch up from the last month.

My last post was written a few days before my 11th treatment and in it I said I would not be surprised if that treatment was postponed, well I was right. My 11th treatment was postponed twice. We tried it on Friday, June 28th and my counts were too low. It didnt phase me a bit because I was prepared for this. I came back for the 2nd try in good spirits and ready to go. But after getting my blood taken the nurse came out with a sour face and I knew it was not good news, my counts were still too low. This I did not handle well. I did not have a breakdown or anything but I was just so majorly bummed. It meant my recovery time between chemos was taking a lot longer than it ever has which meant who knew when I'd be able to have my last chemo and then who knew when I'd recover enough from that one to try and go back to "normalcy." My mom said she knew I was upset because I turned down the offer for a movie and/or shopping therapy haha. But I think sometimes for me I just need to be alone to process things. So we went home and I was scheduled to come back the following week.

On the upside I was feeling really good physically that week. It was the longest I had gone between chemos ever and my body could tell. By that weekend I was walk/running every day and I was able to run almost a mile without stopping which I have not been able to do since starting chemo. I spent the holiday weekend with my dad going on a boating/winery trip which was really nice. Holidays are hard when you can not be around people. I am very lucky I have my family and friends who are willing to do chill things with me like pool and dinners otherwise I think one would get veeeery depressed going through this. By the time I went back to the doctor that Tuesday I was good to go and I finally was able to check chemo11 off.

For the most part it went the same as most, I was very tired and nauseous. However, this time I also felt more drugged than I have ever felt. I am not sure if it was because of the long break or because I had chemo and also neuprogen shots (detailed later) but I felt so so sooo drugged. It was to the point of understanding how people do things without control when they are so high on drugs.  I wasn't suicidal or anything but I remember being on the couch and just feeling so weird and like this is what people must feel like when then are so duped up and do crazy things. Needless to say I told my fam I needed someone with me 24/7 until I stopped feeling that way just in case. Not a fun feeling at all! Luckily that only lasted a day or so.   

I also made the decision that I wanted to get the shot again. I know I keep going back and forth about the shot haha, its a hard decision to make. Do I want to go through immense pain but be done with everything quicker or no pain but elongate the process? Because this would determine when my last chemo would be I decided to risk it. My birthday is August 16th and my friends and I are planning to go to a very crowded beach and if I did not get chemo soon there would be no way my body would be prepared for that by the 16th and I would be veeerrryyy upset if I could not go. So I told the nurse I wanted the shot and to schedule my last chemo two weeks from that day. The nurse spoke with Dr. Perkins (my stand in oncologist while Dr. Wiedl is on maternity leave) and they decided instead of giving me nuelasta they'd give me nueprogen.

Neuprogen is supposed to have the same effects but you come in for multiple days and get small dosages instead of getting one BAM shot (thats what I call nuelasta ha). So I went in for 7 days and got a shot each day. The shot is in your arm, same as nuelasta, but with both you usually get pain in your back, right around your hips, or at least thats what it was for me (its where I had my bone marrow biopsy). Aside from the annoying fact I had to go into the doc everyday the shots went okay. I only had one bad day, the day of my 7th shot. On day 7 of the shot I woke up at 4am with immense bone pain. I wish I knew a way to explain it well. Its just this pulsating pain and nothing really helps it. Laying down is the most comfortable way to be. I took claritin again and that helped a little but it still put me out of commission for most of the day. By the afternoon it only hurt when I sat down or stood up, I think its the pressure and then release of pressure on that area that does it at those times. BUT I had no headache so it was all fine by me haha and the pain went away by the next day. That also told me that the shot was working which made me more confident about having my last chemo on time.

I went in for chemo 12 this past Tuesday, July 23rd, and my counts were good enough to have it! They were not near as high as they got after having neulasta but they were high enough and thats all that matters. I was very happy it was a go, my (hopefully) last chemo!! My parents and friends were very excited. I was happy but I was not as excited as I thought I would be. In june when I would think about my last chemo I'd get very emotional. I was/am just sooooo ready for this journey to be over. But now that its actually here I just cant let myself get excited or think like this is the last one. The thought of letting  your mind go there, that you're cancer free, and then finding out you arent is very scary. I do not think until I get those tests back and the doctor says "we'll see you in 3 months" will I be excited. So I am trying to be happy but at the same time stay mentally prepared for whatever may come in the next month. I think "hope for the best, prepared for the worst" has been my way through all of this and it is what works for me. Now I am scheduling my PETscan and lung and heart tests and will meet with the doctor again on August 13th to find out the results. The PETscan will let me know if the cancer is gone and the lung and heart tests will let me know if the chemo has effected those areas.

This round of chemo has made me way more tired and nauseous than any of my other chemos. It has been 5 days since chemo and I still need to sit down a lot and just rest. I am not digging it at all ha. I've gotten used to feeling better soon after, so now Ive wanted to do things but my body is just saying no. I think my body is wearing down from it all so I am glad its the end and hopefully this is the last time my body will feel this way. Its hard to believe I have basically felt like crap for the past 7 months and soon I will feel good again indefinitely. Cant wait!! :)

I think this entry is long enough but I have been writing down random cancer thoughts and advice that I think are important or funny so I will blog about those next week so stay tuned!

Thank you all soooo much for your continued support, thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement, cards, etc.. through all of this. It really makes it so much easier to go through knowing you have so much support from others.