Chemo 3, Inspiration

Chemo 3 – Inspiration

**The beginning of this post was written late Friday night, the day of my Chemo 3 treatment. Maybe by the end of all this I'll get around to being prompt with my posts!**

Chemo 3 so far has gone okay. Fridays, or at least this Friday, are much slower at Massey. I had one other person in the room with me today. It was kind of nice but it also made the time go by a little slower because there are not as many distractions. This time I felt the most tired I have felt at any treatment. I actually napped during which is a first. I felt a little nauseous towards the end but that’s about it. For the rest of the day I have continued feeling very tired and nauseas and a headache has come and gone. I had my second episode of chemo hurlage time this evening though. I think it was induced by me pretending I could eat normally and not from the meds. I have had time anywhere from 5 min – 30 min where I have felt “normal” today and in that time I’m like what can I do what can I eat ha. Do not do this. I forget my body is still not okay and is even worse now than it was yesterday and that I need to remember my limitations, it is a very hard thing to do. So note taken and hopefully I will not overindulge myself again.

Although today has not been a fun day as far as my physical well being it has been very inspirational. Since starting this journey and especially today I have thought about my good friend and pledge sister (in Tri Sigma), Mary Elizabeth, a lot. Mary Elizabeth passed away from leukemia in 2006. I was thinking the other day of people I have known and been with through cancer and there really are not a lot, which is a good thing. I have known a few people with cancer but I didn’t see them often enough to really know what they were going through and most of them were my parents’ friends. But Mary Elizabeth was my friend. We were only in our early 20s when she died. I went to visit her a couple of times, the last not too long before she passed away. One of my best friends and pledge sister, Leslie, and I went to visit MEB (what we called her) in the hospital and take her a build a bear we had made for her. I remember being nervous and walking into her hospital room, seeing her with no hair, tired, hooked up to all of these machines yet even with all of that she was still MEB. The room was filled with her family and friends and she smiled and was sarcastic and funny and the MEB I knew. I can still remember her smile as she weakly got up to go to the bathroom. I know she was exhausted from it all and we never had a chance to really talk about it so I am not sure what she was feeling and thinking, if she was just putting on a brave face or if that was just how she was through it all but it really doesn’t matter. She was strong and for me that memory is so special and always has been but even more so now. She gives me inspiration everyday to be me even when its hard to find myself.

Today while I was being given my nausea medicine before I started my chemo treatment one of the nurses was talking to mom and I and asked mom what she did. Mom told her she was a chaplain and that lead to finding out the nurse (don’t want to share her name just in case) has a young daughter in hospice care right now. When she said that I just looked at her amazed and saddened and humbled. Here is a woman who I have seen almost every time I have come to Massey always with a smile on her face, always with questions of concern and with kind words yet she is going through something I cannot even imagine. She was another inspiration of strength but she also was a reminder that you truly never know what people are going through. To continue to respect everyone and greet them with a smile because you don’t know what they’re going through and your smile could make their day. Her smile and happiness today definitely made mine.

The other very inspirational thing from today was watching 20/20 tonight. It was a story on Robin Roberts a host on Good Morning America who is battling a rare form of blood cancer, I believe MDS, which could lead to leukemia. She had breast cancer five or so years ago and this time last year she discovered she would now be taking another journey down the cancer road. I found her very inspirational but also very comforting. Even though we are going through different things as I watched her detail things she has gone through in the past year I just sat here thinking yes, exactly, that is how I feel too!! Watching her trying to take control and deciding when to shave her head but still being sad, her being exhausted but trying to stay strong, her wanting to feel normal. I have spoken with a few people so far who have gone through/are going through cancer, and I have the contact info of more I need to get in touch with, but it is so comforting in sharing or even just hearing someone that knows what you are going through. I really think its important to find at least one person to talk to while you’re going through this that is also going through something similar or has gone through it. As I have mentioned in other posts I am so lucky to have so many great friends and family members who are there for me and I talk to about things but no matter how much they are there for me it is not that same as talking with someone who really has an idea of how you are feeling.

I am also learning through this of people who had cancer who I have known for years and never knew. That just reiterated for me the fact that cancer does not own you, you have to make of it what you will. Sometimes I do feel like I am wearing a big C on my chest so its nice to know this will not be forever. Who knows how cancer and I will walk together in the future when I am hopefully in remission. Maybe I will be very open with my cancer journey and become an advocate of some kind or maybe I’ll just want to go back to as normal of a life as I can and bring out my story when I feel the need. Only time will tell but it is nice to know and be reminded that this is my decision, I do have control and this big C will not be there forever.

This post is a little chemotional to say the least but I am learning how important it is to hear stories of inspiration and strength cause sometimes it is hard and you need them to build your own similar stories.

And Yayayay let the single digit (hopefully) chemo countdown begin!! As of right now only 9 more treatments to go woop woop! I set up my pet scan for March 11^th so fingers crossed the results of that visit will be good and I can continue this happy countdown with no additions. Also I forgot to mention that my count was up when I got my vitals checked this past Tuesday!!!! It is probably only going to be until today due to treatment but still I got to eat strawberries, salad, and go to lunch with friends and not worry as much about the germs of the people around me!! So that shot must really be a miracle worker and well worth the pain. My next appointment is this Tuesday so we will see if they go back down low enough to where I will need another shot. Chemo will probably make them go lower so I plan on acting like I’m neutropenic again just incase but those three days of “freedom” were very nice. 

**Written today, Wednesday, 5 days after chemo**

I am coming to realize that I will probably never become a shorter more frequent blogger haha, sorry! It is now 5 days after chemo. My recovery this time has been a little better. Saturday and Sunday were pretty hard with exhaustion and nausea but Monday till now has not been as bad. I worked half days both yesterday and Monday and then was able to work all day today and I am still feeling okay. It takes me a long time to get ready in the mornings because I have to sit down and rest every few minutes or so and I have to stop after walking up stairs to get to work buuuuttt I slowly but surely make it haha. I can tell when I am starting to feel better, its kind of weird. Until yesterday evening I felt physically unwell but also kind of down mentally. As I have said in other posts its hard to get out of the chemofunk mentally when you're feeling so sick but for some reason for me I'll just wake up and snap out of it, its not so much a gradual thing. Yesterday I went to work, had a doctor's appointment, and then took a nap and as I woke up from the nap I could completely tell I felt mentally normal again and happy. Its so strange! But hey, I'll take it. 

Tuesday was my vitals check in and I found out my count is still up!!! Woohoo!!! That shot seriously is a miracle drug. I will definitely gladly go through that pain again in the future if need be in order to have higher counts. So today for lunch I had watermelon annnd sushi, two things I cant have while neutropenic. Deeeelicious! 

I still continue to be inspired this week. I am sad to share this because I hate that she is going through this but one of my good high school and sorority friends found 2 masses in her brain last week. Not only is this a terrifying thing in general but she also has a toddler and is 34 weeks pregnant. I can not even imagine. There are still a lot of questions to be answered for her and more tests to be run but she is facing it with such strength and positivity and faith. She has mentioned her admiration for my positive attitude through my journey but I sit here now in awe and thinking the exact same of her. Her faith especially through all of this I find so encouraging. I never really understood how difficult it is to go through hard times without getting angry and frustrated with God until now, but seeing her remain so strong in her faith during this very scary time is so inspiring. 

So so far chemo 3 has been okay, my counts are good and I am graced with inspiration every day! My next appt will be next Tuesday for another check up and then Round 4 next Friday. Woohoo to a week of getting to eat fruit and socialize! 

Also I found this and love it...