Honesty Is Key

I am sorry about the long break between posts. I was hoping to write a post a few times last week and something always came up, keeping me from finishing. Below are a few things I started to write on different days last week and then my conclusion written today.

*This post goes into a little detail about my physical reactions to the drugs which may be a little bit of TMI. Just a forewarning.

- Written Wednesday, 2 Days After Chemo
Honesty is key so I am going to be honest... chemo sucks! I know, I know, you're probably like duuuuh Amber, but it really didnt hit me till today. It is absolutely blah. I feel lucky because in the grand scheme of things my reactions to the drugs so far has not been absolutely horrible. The past two days I have been pretty worn out, feel drugged up, usually have a headache and/or nausea and then today I started to get the copper tasting mouth. I also learned today that you should not take hot showers if you are getting chemo treatments, or at least I shouldnt. After about 10 minutes I felt vomitous and like I couldnt breath or stand up any longer. This brought on my first round of chemo hurlage time. I am having trouble eating in general so this wasnt great to lose the little protein I had had. So no more hot showers or hot tubs or anything of that nature. Last TMI bit, if you have any bathroom issues take MiraLax, it works great and does not give you stomach cramps.

Like I said I feel lucky because the pain has not been ridiculous. I have felt constantly sick so far, there hasnt been a moment of clarity or feeling normal/okay, but aside for a few times I havent felt absolutely horrible so that is good. But while laying in bed it has been hard not to wonder  how I am going to do this for the next six months. At first I was in the mind I only had 5 more chemo treatments and I was talking to my mom like Oh I can do this and she was like no no Amber, its 11 more times... 11 more times, arrrggghhhhhh. I think the next 6 months are going to go very slowly and I also think (and hope) I will discover a strength in me I had no idea was there cause Im gonna need it. I feel so bad for people that have worse reactions to the drugs. Not to mention my heart just breaks thinking about children that have to go through this. I can not even imagine, for them or their parents.

I was reading through some of the cards I had received and one from my former minister that read, "Joshua 1:9 Be not afraid for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."That really brought me a lot of comfort.


- Written Saturday, 5 Days After Chemo
Okay, so I now understand how some people have debbie downer blogs, it is very hard to get out of the blah zone after treatment. It was hard not to focus on the exhaustion and sickness and the thinking of having to do this over and over. The beginning of this blog was written the Wednesday after my Monday chemo treatment. On Thursday I still felt a little out of it but I wanted to try and go to work. I came home from spending time at my parent's house and started to get ready. The whole idea of it not taking me that long to get ready now that I have short hair was shot cause now I have to rest after every little thing ha. I did my makeup then sat down for a few minutes, did my hair, then sat down for a few minutes. I finally made it into work and by the time I got there I felt exhausted. Everyone was so nice asking me how I was and checking in on me. I truly am so lucky to work for such an amazing organization and with amazing people through this. However, after about 15 minutes I had a wave of nausea and exhaustion hit me.

It is very hard for me to speak out when I am not feeling well. Normally I just deal with things unless it is really bad but I have repeatedly been told I can not do that now, people will understand I am sick. So after about 30 minutes of being there I let it be known I was not feeling great. Not too long after I had a heat flash and another wave of exhaustion and I was just like uhuh I can't do this so I texted my mom to come pick me up. I lasted a good hour at work though ha, baby steps I guess.

- Written Tuesday, 8 Days After Chemo
Sorry for not finishing the two random posts above! I wanted to write some while I was in the moment because your feelings change so much but I was kind of out of it and tired most of last week/the weekend so my motivation faded very quickly. I will try and be better for the next round though. Ive noticed a significant change in my attitude from when I am sick and when I am not and I do not think I could capture how I really was feeling through that time trying to look back on it vs. writing during it.

My overall thoughts though, a week later, are the same as above, chemo sucks, but I feel much more positive about the whole thing than those 4 days afterwards. Friday was the first day I felt semi okay. Monday (the day of chemo), Tues, Wens, and Thurs were pretty hard. I emotionally was not prepared to feel so blah and down during that time. I figured I would be sick but I didnt think I would mentally not be myself as well. Being a person that does not get sick often I didnt realize how much physical sickness can play on your mental health. I had a headache and slight nausea the majority of the time but the worst was just feeling so exhausted and drugged. I pretty much just laid in bed or on the couch kind of out of it. I am not a person of words so trying to explain how I felt is difficult but it was mainly just feeling blah.

On Saturday I woke up and felt like myself. I could tell an immediate difference. It was like for those 4 days someone had a bag over me and then on Saturday it was lifted and all was normal. I still would get tired easily, needed to nap some, and my mouth was a little sore, but as far as everything else I felt pretty good. Sunday I was absolutely fine and have been since (aside from tiredness).

So Yayayayay!! That is great. Hopefully that is how it will be through this, 5 days of crap followed by 9 days of good. Yesterday was my first really long day. I was on the go from 7:30 - 7:30 and by the end I was beat. Its weird because I do not mentally feel tired but my body is wiped out. We really should bring country wide siesta time to the US!

Today I went to Dr.Wiedl to get my vitals checked. The doctor was a little concerned because I am so tired and I already was anemic, this could mean that my hemoglobin is very low. After getting a lot of blood taken and running the tests we found out that thankfully my hemoglobin was okay. Normal hemoglobin for women I think should be around 12.1, mine is 9.7. If it were to be even lower I would have to get a blood injection. I am not sure injection is the right word for that but its not a transfusion, basically they would have to put more blood in my system I guess ha.

However my blood tests did show that my white blood count was on the critically low side and I have neutropenia. Neutrophil is a type of white blood cell and your level should be between 2-8, mine is 0.9. Right now I have moderate neutropenia, 0.5 would indicate severe neutropenia and thats when its on the dangerous side. This means I have to be extremely careful with my health and germs this week. I need to avoid large crowds, not eat from food buffet type places, be cautious of raw fruits and vegetables and I need to try and avoid schools (I gave that one a big laugh), daycares, and gyms. If I do need to be in those areas or around a lot of people I need to wear a mask. Let me tell you how excited I am about that. I hate drawing attention to myself, especially that way, so basically I'll be at home or work the next 3 days haha. I also need to take my temperature regularly, if it goes to 100.5 or above I need to go to the hospital. The nurse said since my white cells are low I could have a fever and not even know it because my body will not have the cells to do its usual combat of a fever like chills, sweats, etc... So goodbye people for a little while and hello masks!! I know it is for my own good so I just try and remember that as I wear one.

I have a lot more to write about from this weekend. I went wig shopping and have received so much support and have fun 10k news but I need to go so I have to end this post for now. So this is to be continued!! Stay tuned for fun wig pics!! :)